Grief and Near Death Experiences

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Trauma

Grief tends to be mixed with trauma when a loss is sudden and unexpected — a fatal heart attack, an accident, a murder — or it’s perceived as being outside the normal cycle of life, as in the death of a child. For example, someone who nurses a spouse through a long illness will grieve when the spouse is gone, but the person who witnesses the sudden death of a spouse in a car crash will likely be traumatized as well. A sudden loss can be even more difficult to deal with if you don’t have a socially recognized outlet for mourning, as in a miscarriage or stillbirth.

While trauma always incorporates grief, the two states are very different in how you experience them and what they can do to you. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, with its symptoms diminishing on their own over time. On the other hand, trauma is a disabling reaction that can block the grieving process, disrupt your life, and leave you psychologically vulnerable. If you are coping with a traumatic loss, you may want to think about turning to a counselor or other professional for help.

The National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children presents a chart, based on the work of researchers William Steele and Melvyn Raider, contrasting the experience and effects of grief and trauma:

GRIEF vs. TRAUMA
The Effects of Grief	The Effects of Trauma
Sadness is the dominant emotion.	Terror is the dominant emotion.
Grief feels real.	Trauma feels unreal.
Talking about grief can help.	Talking about trauma is difficult or impossible.
Pain is related to the loss.	Pain involves not just loss but terror, helplessness, and fear of danger.
Anger is nonviolent.	Anger often involves violence towards yourself or others.
Guilt involves unfinished emotional business with the deceased.	Guilt includes self-blame for what happened or thoughts that it should have been you who was harmed.
Your self-image and confidence generally remain intact.	Your self-image and confidence are distorted and undermined.
You dream about the person you lost.	You dream about yourself in danger.
Symptoms lessen naturally over time.	Untreated, symptoms may get worse.

Trauma due to Suicide

The suicide of a loved one raises painful questions, doubts and fears. Some cultures see it as shameful or an affront to God. Survivors ask themselves: Why wasn’t my love enough to save this person? What could I have done? How did I fail? What will people think? Feelings of failure, shame and blame exacerbate the sorrow of loss.
It’s important that, in addition to the healing strategies described below, you do the following if you lose someone you love to suicide:

If you have religious concerns, try to find a gentle, nonjudgmental member of your faith, and open yourself to that person.
Rather than being concerned about the stigma surrounding suicide, concentrate on your own healing and survival.
Confront the word suicide, difficult as it may be. If you keep the cause of death a secret, you won’t be able to speak freely about the person you lost, and you’ll block a pathway to recovery.